Fourth Time Around

The ultrasound showed the tiny blip. The miniature beating heart fluttered almost undetectably. Holding my breath, my neck straining, I almost missed it until the ultrasound tech announced the beat was good and strong. A single tear fell down my left cheek, a bit of relief releasing from my tensed muscles.

Since that initial appointment a month-and-a-half ago, we’ve had four more. Four more ultrasounds. Four more chances for bad news. Four more moments bursting with relief. Four more restless nights, tension headaches, sweaty hands, and queasy stomachs.

Our guards came down a bit after our latest appointment with the maternal fetal medicine doctor; we breathe a tad easier knowing this baby doesn’t appear to have the same joint contractures Sophia had. It doesn’t seem to have any heart anomalies they thought Sophia had. It moves blissfully around the screen, often waving and kicking its feet, all of which Sophia barely did. We inhale a bit deeper. We sleep a bit sounder. We have a larger piece of hope to which we cling.

Being far from carefree, we are fully conscious of the long road ahead: many extra doctors’ appointments due to so many confounding factors, plentiful ultrasounds to ensure baby is growing right and pre-term labor doesn’t start, seemingly countless days left to worry, infinite minutes left to attempt to soothe our anxieties.

One day at a time, we have made it to 13w 5d. One day at a time we will carry on. One day at a time, we are thankful for the each second we still have with this baby. Anything beyond a day and the overwhelming fear of more tragedies, painful memories of traumatic moments, and the mental and physical exhaustion from the fight we are putting up would consume us.

Despite the prolonged struggle, we love this baby. We may be crazy for putting ourselves through this for the fourth time, but at this point it is starting to feel worth it. Baby Sprout is worth it.

Published by lkgaddis

I have been working on this memoir-style project for a while now, and I'm excited to share it with others. My hope is to get as wide an audience as possible, and to receive comments, suggestions, and ideas to improve and expand what I have. I also want to encourage others to become curious about the topic of babies, and the loss that can come with the adventures of trying to start a family. In the world of celebrating healthy babies, we who know otherwise need a voice too.

5 thoughts on “Fourth Time Around

  1. I had tears in my eyes reading this. I am so grateful things are on track and deeply hopeful they remain that way. I feel and completely understand (and can relate to) the endless anxiety you are feeling and commend you on holding fast to your gratitude for every moment. I think big sister Sophia is watching over all 3 of you and hoping, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you! How I wish we all could have more carefree pregnancies. I try not to envy those who do, but it’s hard not to wonder what it would be like to not worry so much, to not have so many extra appointments and tests, and to be more naive about all that can go wrong. I feel Sophia’s spirit everyday, so I believe you are right that she is keeping us under her watchful eye.

    Liked by 1 person

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