Always Trying to Remember

The clear crystal gem glistens in honor of April. The bright, perky, deep-hued ruby remembers July. The smokey quartz allows for a cautious celebration of June. And the topaz stone, light blue like the sky where the angels surely live, denotes my December baby Sophia.

In conjunction the stones’ colors play off one another: the light and dark, bright and dim, the variety of tones.  No one stone is like another. No one stone outshines the other three. No one stone is more beautiful, more prominent, more revered. Each is loved the same. Each holds a miniature bit of my memory–and heart–for all four of our babies. Each experience was different, marked by various highs and lows, ultrasounds and finding heartbeats, ER visits and endless tests, the snuffing of tiny lives and the perserverence through all doubt.  Separately, they emphasize the importance of each pregnancy, each baby, each potential of growing our family. Together, they form a miniature rainbow–suitable for the finale of our five-year journey. 

Fitting is how Evelyn’s stone, our lone surviving baby, has the most brilliantly lively hue. Her gleeful nature, her love for adventure, her beautiful disposition is reflected in her stone. As the deep red anchors the other stones, it gives the weight needed to hold everyone together. It gives the weight needed to hold me together. On days when the pity, sadness, and grief creep in, the ruby reminds me to celebrate our quest to have a child, and our fortunate ending of having sweet Evelyn.

Without the first three babies, there would be no Evelyn. Without the 20 week pregnancy and ultimate loss of Sophia, my body may not have been able to accept the challenge of providing Evelyn a nurturing place to grow. Without the loss of our second, I would not have known what it means to truly fight the odds. Without the loss of our third, I would not have known what it is like to have no real answers but to be relieved to know that testing showed I was free of common ailments that could end a pregnancy. Without the fourth pregnancy, we would never have known the profound gratitude that sprouts when the desired outcome finally happens. These four babies have shown me growth emotionally, empathically, and in connection with others. They brought me closer to Jason, and closer to more fellow infertility warriors than I ever thought possible for an introvert. They taught me to carry on when life gets me down, to allow myself to grieve but also be happy, to never give up on what I believe is possible. And now my babies can shine beautifully each day through their unique colors.