The One Choice That is Unthinkable

Extra doctors appointments filled with more-than-desired ultrasounds, blood tests, and hormone supplements all mixed with endless worries and overanalyzation of symptoms (or lack thereof) fill my every thought as I navigate this journey. All my energy focuses on what I can do to prevent another miscarriage, and how to reign in my anxiety that surrounds every pregnancy. And though it all, my husband has stood by my side, witnessing each test, each doctor’s appointment, each wave of nausea, each tear shed for another lost soul.

Today I learned that not everyone would walk to the ends of the Earth to keep a baby, notably when the child has a significant disability. In Armenia, a woman gave birth to a baby with Down Syndrome. Not knowing the baby had this disorder, she decided to abandon the baby–her husband did not. Merely two weeks after baby Leo’s birth, she went as far as divorcing the New Zealander she had married. Unilaterally, she and the doctors decided an orphanage was the best place for that precious baby to grow. On the outside, her husband refused to leave the little boy.

The bravery and courage of Leo’s father–standing up for his son–is astounding, admirable. Never once through my journey was this a concern. Never once, amongst a thousand impossible decisions, did I face the choice of abandoning the very child we so long for. Never once would I have not made deals with the devil himself just to allow my children to survive, disabilities and all.

Pity parties have been common events through our nearly five year struggle with infertility. Countless tears have drowned my sadness. Angry rants have been released to the Universe.

Today, the realization of the depth of evil and height of honorable people overshadows my own woes. Today, I am grateful for my life which, despite my struggles, is relatively easy. Today, I am grateful for my husband who is as virtuous of Leo’s father. Today, I am grateful no doctor has ever presented such a despicable option. Today, I feel lucky for my life, pregnancy losses and all.

Dad Refuses to Give up Newborn Son with Down Syndrome, courtesy ABC News, Feb. 5, 2015

Published by lkgaddis

I have been working on this memoir-style project for a while now, and I'm excited to share it with others. My hope is to get as wide an audience as possible, and to receive comments, suggestions, and ideas to improve and expand what I have. I also want to encourage others to become curious about the topic of babies, and the loss that can come with the adventures of trying to start a family. In the world of celebrating healthy babies, we who know otherwise need a voice too.

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