Filling the Void

This post originally published two years ago today. Reflecting on that day, so much has changed in our lives, yet so much is the same. We no longer have to wonder if we will ever have living children. Evelyn brought that chapter of our lives to a close. Yet the addition of our happy 14-month-old does not erase our history. It does not erase our previous losses, nor does it dismiss the lifelong grief such loss brings. Rocky continues to bring joy to our household, yet as Evelyn’s birth did not fully negate our pregnancy losses, Rocky’s homecoming does not erase the devastating ways we lost our previous beloved dogs. Still, as Rocky and Evelyn have forged a best-friend calibre relationship, her ridiculous giggles at his antics fill our home with sounds of joy. It is this that eases the frequency of the painful memories.

This post reminded me of the ebb of flow of life: The highs and lows, the peaks and valleys, the happiness and grief. It reminded me to take a moment to reflect on my gratefulness that our track, which begun it’s rise when Rocky joined our family, has continued on this course. While we cannot be guaranteed a smooth ride forever, I will enjoy the peace that bestows us now.

Laura Gaddis

Jet black fur glistens in the ultra-bright sunlight, tiny brownish-black eyes squinting nearly shut as he strives to find a sliver of shade. The bulging eyeballs typical for pugs are restrained behind his miniature eyelids. Daintily panting with a hot, wet breath, his outstretched tongue is a soft pink licking machine. His downy double-coat making him a pug with a cuteness complex. We are in love. Sitting in the car, hind legs balancing his tiny frame on Jason’s lap, he is as eager as we are to get on with life.

The past four years as brought us much loss: three babies, two beloved dogs. Each time, we suffered. Each time was taxing, fighting to maintain what life was left in each living being of which the universe put us in charge. Each failure dug a hole deeper, wider, more permanent than ever. Each time we cried. Each time we said “never again.”

We did it again…

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